The one metaphor you need to know to be in relationship
One of my favorite classes to teach is interpersonal communication. The class almost teaches itself, because what we talk about is what we as humans do everyday.
A particular concept in the class that often intrigues students is relationshipping. Many of us probably think that a relationship is a static thing. It is what it is. But to be in relationship—whether that be with a parent, a child, a sibling, a significant other, a colleague—is to be in a steady state of flux. We must constantly make choices, constantly adjust to meet the moment and the self and the other and decide how we are going to show up.
Which is why I am so surprised that I have never thought of relationshipping as a yoga mat before.
A relationship is a small, boundaried space. With edges. And we are expected to be present, to go with the flow, to meet the demands of the situation, do our best not to fall on our asses, and get back up and try again when we inevitably do—just like on a yoga mat.
All of this could feel claustrophobic. There’s a whole world out there, and I’m expected to stay here in this tiny place?
It could also feel boring. Oh, god. This again? It’s always the same: down dog, vinyasa, and if I have to take triangle one more time, I’m going to scream.
It can also feel like someone else is calling all the shots, demanding you twist yourself into a pretzel to get it right.
And if we push too hard or act mindlessly or don’t listen or don’t honor our edges, we can end up with all kinds of hurt.
At the same time, all kinds of magic can happen on a yoga mat and in a relationship. Both give us endless opportunities to choose. You can show up, or not. You can meet what is with kindness and curiosity, or not.
Both allow us to practice, to arrive intentionally in a space and attempt right effort. Not perfection, mind you, because no matter how much we try to convince ourselves otherwise, perfection is not possible. To be human is to be messy, so how about we practice meeting that mess in our selves and in others with as much sweetness and humor and wonder as we can muster.
When we step into a relationship, just as when we step onto a yoga mat, space can expand.
We can expand—and manifest all kinds of things. Now you get to be a fierce warrior, now you get to be a child seeking rest and comfort, now you get to be an eagle soaring on invisible energy that carries you up and up to the light.
In yoga and in relationship, our often fragmented, messy and fierce self is invited to drop into a place of deep and steady wholeness, where we can meet the other person’s fragmented, messy and fierce self.
And that brings us to something else we often forget—we can never do someone else’s practice for them. Whether it be a significant other, a sibling, a child, a colleague, we need to let them do their own work and fly and fall. But how often do we hover, cajole, demand, and can you see what kind of dynamics and frustrations that might create?
None of this is easy. It requires we focus on doing our own work, and it also requires us to be brave of heart—because both yoga and relationships reveal. They reveal our histories, our tender spots, our habits, often the ones that no longer serve us. Yoga and relationships reveal our real selves, and we can choose to ignore or numb them, or we can choose to meet them and practice with them and get really, really curious about what might happen next.
Something else? Yoga and relationships ask us to drop our physical and emotional armor—especially the armor we put around our hearts. When we practice, we are asked to soften, to crawl out of our hard shells and be real and tender, present and spacious, curious and fierce, kind and flexible. To be open to what is. To flow into what will be. This. Takes. Practice. It takes commitment, a choosing again and again.
To show up.
To be present.
To trust the center of your messy and radiant self and meet someone else’s messy and radiant self with as much ease and wonder as you can muster.
And from there, practice, practice, practice living light.
If you’d like to get onto your yoga mat and practice living light, check out willowyogaminnesota.com. For only $15 a month (that’s three croissants, in my world!), you can have access to all kinds of practices anytime, anywhere. Plus, I plan to add Zoom class options beginning in April. Please send me a message if you are interested.